In
Literature It Is Only In Vaughan, Traherne, And Other Mystics, That I
Find Any Adequate Expression Of That Perpetual Rapturous Delight In
Nature And My Own Existence Which I Experienced At That Period.
And now these never-to-be-forgotten words spoken over the grave of our
old dog had come to awaken me from that beautiful dream of perpetual
joy!
When I recall this event I am less astonished at my ignorance than at
the intensity of the feeling I experienced, the terrible darkness it
brought on so young a mind. The child's mind we think, and in fact
know, is like that of the lower animals; or if higher than the animal
mind, it is not so high as that of the simplest savage. He cannot
concentrate his thought - he cannot think at all; his consciousness is
in its dawn; he revels in colours, in odours, is thrilled by touch and
taste and sound, and is like a well-nourished pup or kitten at play on
a green turf in the sunshine. This being so, one would have thought
that the pain of the revelation I had received would have quickly
vanished - that the vivid impressions of external things would have
blotted it out and restored the harmony. But it was not so; the pain
continued and increased until it was no longer to be borne; then I
sought my mother, first watching until she was alone in her room. Yet
when with her I feared to speak lest with a word she should confirm
the dreadful tidings. Looking down, she all at once became alarmed at
the sight of my face, and began to question me. Then, struggling
against my tears, I told her of the words which had been spoken at the
old dog's burial, and asked her if it was true, if I - if she - if all
of us had to die and be buried in the ground? She replied that it was
not wholly true; it was only true in a way, since our bodies had to
die and be buried in the earth, but we had an immortal part which
could not die. It was true that old Caesar had been a good, faithful
dog, and felt and understood things almost like a human being, and
most persons believed that when a dog died he died wholly and had no
after-life. We could not know that; some very great, good men had
thought differently; they believed that the animals, like us, would
live again. That was also her belief - her strong hope; but we could
not know for certain, because it had been hidden from us. For
ourselves, we knew that we could not really die, because God Himself,
who made us and all things, had told us so, and His promise of eternal
life had been handed down to us in His Book - in the Bible.
To all this and much more I listened trembling, with a fearful
interest, and when I had once grasped the idea that death when it came
to me, as it must, would leave me alive after all - that, as she
explained, the part of me that really mattered, the myself, the I am
I, which knew and considered things, would never perish, I experienced
a sudden immense relief. When I went out from her side again I wanted
to run and jump for joy and cleave the air like a bird. For I had been
in prison and had suffered torture, and was now free again - death
would not destroy me!
There was another result of my having unburdened my heart to my
mother. She had been startled at the poignancy of the feeling I had
displayed, and, greatly blaming herself for having left me too long in
that ignorant state, began to give me religious instruction. It was
too early, since at that age it was not possible for me to rise to the
conception of an immaterial world. That power, I imagine, comes later
to the normal child at the age of ten or twelve. To tell him when he
is five or six or seven that God is in all places at once and sees all
things, only produces the idea of a wonderfully active and quick-
sighted person, with eyes like a bird's, able to see what is going on
all round. A short time ago I read an anecdote of a little girl who,
on being put to bed by her mother, was told not to be afraid in the
dark, since God would be there to watch and guard her while she slept.
Then, taking the candle, the mother went downstairs; but presently her
little girl came down too, in her nightdress, and, when questioned,
replied, "I'm going to stay down here in the light, mummy, and you can
go up to my room and sit with God." My own idea of God at that time
was no higher. I would lie awake thinking of him there in the room,
puzzling over the question as to how he could attend to all his
numerous affairs and spend so much time looking after me. Lying with
my eyes open, I could see nothing in the dark; still, I knew he was
there, because I had been told so, and this troubled me. But no sooner
would I close my eyes than his image would appear standing at a
distance of three or four feet from the head of the bed, in the form
of a column five feet high or so and about four feet in circumference.
The colour was blue, but varied in depth and intensity; on some nights
it was sky-blue, but usually of a deeper shade, a pure, soft,
beautiful blue like that of the morning-glory or wild geranium.
It would not surprise me to find that many persons have some such
material image or presentment of the spiritual entities they are
taught to believe in at too tender an age.
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