Or If
True - Was I To Remain Beneath A Roof Where I Was Merely Tolerated, And
Linger There On Sufferance?
"This is not to be endured!" exclaimed I;
"I will tear myself from this state of self-abasement; I will break
through this fascination and fly - Fly?
- Whither? - from the world? - for
where is the world when I leave Bianca behind me?"
My spirit was naturally proud, and swelled within me at the idea of
being looked upon with contumely. Many times I was on the point of
declaring my family and rank, and asserting my equality, in the
presence of Bianca, when I thought her relatives assumed an air of
superiority. But the feeling was transient. I considered myself
discarded and contemned by my family; and had solemnly vowed never to
own relationship to them, until they themselves should claim it.
The struggle of my mind preyed upon my happiness and my health. It
seemed as if the uncertainty of being loved would be less intolerable
than thus to be assured of it, and yet not dare to enjoy the
conviction. I was no longer the enraptured admirer of Bianca; I no
longer hung in ecstasy on the tones of her voice, nor drank in with
insatiate gaze the beauty of her countenance. Her very smiles ceased to
delight me, for I felt culpable in having won them.
She could not but be sensible of the change in me, and inquired the
cause with her usual frankness and simplicity.
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