The Cottagers Were Still
Carrying Home The Hay; And The Cottages On This Road Looked Very
Comfortable.
Peace and plenty - I mean not abundance - seemed to
reign around - still I grew sad as I drew near my old abode.
I was
sorry to see the sun so high; it was broad noon. Tonsberg was
something like a home - yet I was to enter without lighting up
pleasure in any eye. I dreaded the solitariness of my apartment,
and wished for night to hide the starting tears, or to shed them on
my pillow, and close my eyes on a world where I was destined to
wander alone. Why has nature so many charms for me - calling forth
and cherishing refined sentiments, only to wound the breast that
fosters them? How illusive, perhaps the most so, are the plans of
happiness founded on virtue and principle; what inlets of misery do
they not open in a half-civilised society? The satisfaction arising
from conscious rectitude, will not calm an injured heart, when
tenderness is ever finding excuses; and self-applause is a cold
solitary feeling, that cannot supply the place of disappointed
affection, without throwing a gloom over every prospect, which,
banishing pleasure, does not exclude pain. I reasoned and reasoned;
but my heart was too full to allow me to remain in the house, and I
walked, till I was wearied out, to purchase rest - or rather
forgetfulness.
Employment has beguiled this day, and to-morrow I set out for Moss,
on my way to Stromstad. At Gothenburg I shall embrace my Fannikin;
probably she will not know me again - and I shall be hurt if she do
not. How childish is this! still it is a natural feeling. I would
not permit myself to indulge the "thick coming fears" of fondness,
whilst I was detained by business. Yet I never saw a calf bounding
in a meadow, that did not remind me of my little frolicker. A calf,
you say. Yes; but a capital one I own.
I cannot write composedly - I am every instant sinking into reveries-
-my heart flutters, I know not why. Fool! It is time thou wert at
rest.
Friendship and domestic happiness are continually praised; yet how
little is there of either in the world, because it requires more
cultivation of mind to keep awake affection, even in our own hearts,
than the common run of people suppose. Besides, few like to be seen
as they really are; and a degree of simplicity, and of undisguised
confidence, which, to uninterested observers, would almost border on
weakness, is the charm, nay the essence of love or friendship, all
the bewitching graces of childhood again appearing. As objects
merely to exercise my taste, I therefore like to see people together
who have an affection for each other; every turn of their features
touches me, and remains pictured on my imagination in indelible
characters. The zest of novelty is, however, necessary to rouse the
languid sympathies which have been hackneyed in the world; as is the
factitious behaviour, falsely termed good-breeding, to amuse those,
who, defective in taste, continually rely for pleasure on their
animal spirits, which not being maintained by the imagination, are
unavoidably sooner exhausted than the sentiments of the heart.
Friendship is in general sincere at the commencement, and lasts
whilst there is anything to support it; but as a mixture of novelty
and vanity is the usual prop, no wonder if it fall with the slender
stay.
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