Thinking Of Death Makes Us
Tenderly Cling To Our Affections; With More Than Usual Tenderness I
Therefore Assure You That I Am Yours, Wishing That The Temporary
Death Of Absence May Not Endure Longer Than Is Absolutely Necessary.
LETTER VIII.
Tonsberg was formerly the residence of one of the little sovereigns
of Norway; and on an adjacent mountain the vestiges of a fort
remain, which was battered down by the Swedes, the entrance of the
bay lying close to it.
Here I have frequently strayed, sovereign of the waste; I seldom met
any human creature; and sometimes, reclining on the mossy down,
under the shelter of a rock, the prattling of the sea amongst the
pebbles has lulled me to sleep - no fear of any rude satyr's
approaching to interrupt my repose. Balmy were the slumbers, and
soft the gales, that refreshed me, when I awoke to follow, with an
eye vaguely curious, the white sails, as they turned the cliffs, or
seemed to take shelter under the pines which covered the little
islands that so gracefully rose to render the terrific ocean
beautiful. The fishermen were calmly casting their nets, whilst the
sea-gulls hovered over the unruffled deep. Everything seemed to
harmonise into tranquillity; even the mournful call of the bittern
was in cadence with the tinkling bells on the necks of the cows,
that, pacing slowly one after the other, along an inviting path in
the vale below, were repairing to the cottages to be milked. With
what ineffable pleasure have I not gazed - and gazed again, losing my
breath through my eyes - my very soul diffused itself in the scene;
and, seeming to become all senses, glided in the scarcely-agitated
waves, melted in the freshening breeze, or, taking its flight with
fairy wing, to the misty mountain which bounded the prospect, fancy
tripped over new lawns, more beautiful even than the lovely slopes
on the winding shore before me. I pause, again breathless, to
trace, with renewed delight, sentiments which entranced me, when,
turning my humid eyes from the expanse below to the vault above, my
sight pierced the fleecy clouds that softened the azure brightness;
and imperceptibly recalling the reveries of childhood, I bowed
before the awful throne of my Creator, whilst I rested on its
footstool.
You have sometimes wondered, my dear friend, at the extreme
affection of my nature. But such is the temperature of my soul. It
is not the vivacity of youth, the heyday of existence. For years
have I endeavoured to calm an impetuous tide, labouring to make my
feelings take an orderly course. It was striving against the
stream. I must love and admire with warmth, or I sink into sadness.
Tokens of love which I have received have wrapped me in Elysium,
purifying the heart they enchanted. My bosom still glows. Do not
saucily ask, repeating Sterne's question, "Maria, is it still so
warm?" Sufficiently, O my God! Has it been chilled by sorrow and
unkindness; still nature will prevail; and if I blush at
recollecting past enjoyment, it is the rosy hue of pleasure
heightened by modesty, for the blush of modesty and shame are as
distinct as the emotions by which they are produced.
I need scarcely inform you, after telling you of my walks, that my
constitution has been renovated here, and that I have recovered my
activity even whilst attaining a little embonpoint. My imprudence
last winter, and some untoward accidents just at the time I was
weaning my child, had reduced me to a state of weakness which I
never before experienced. A slow fever preyed on me every night
during my residence in Sweden, and after I arrived at Tonsberg. By
chance I found a fine rivulet filtered through the rocks, and
confined in a basin for the cattle. It tasted to me like a
chalybeate; at any rate, it was pure; and the good effect of the
various waters which invalids are sent to drink depends, I believe,
more on the air, exercise, and change of scene, than on their
medicinal qualities. I therefore determined to turn my morning
walks towards it, and seek for health from the nymph of the
fountain, partaking of the beverage offered to the tenants of the
shade.
Chance likewise led me to discover a new pleasure equally beneficial
to my health. I wished to avail myself of my vicinity to the sea
and bathe; but it was not possible near the town; there was no
convenience. The young woman whom I mentioned to you proposed
rowing me across the water amongst the rocks; but as she was
pregnant, I insisted on taking one of the oars, and learning to row.
It was not difficult, and I do not know a pleasanter exercise. I
soon became expert, and my train of thinking kept time, as it were,
with the oars, or I suffered the boat to be carried along by the
current, indulging a pleasing forgetfulness or fallacious hopes.
How fallacious! yet, without hope, what is to sustain life, but the
fear of annihilation - the only thing of which I have ever felt a
dread. I cannot bear to think of being no more - of losing myself -
though existence is often but a painful consciousness of misery;
nay, it appears to me impossible that I should cease to exist, or
that this active, restless spirit, equally alive to joy and sorrow,
should only be organised dust - ready to fly abroad the moment the
spring snaps, or the spark goes out which kept it together. Surely
something resides in this heart that is not perishable, and life is
more than a dream.
Sometimes, to take up my oar once more, when the sea was calm, I was
amused by disturbing the innumerable young star fish which floated
just below the surface; I had never observed them before, for they
have not a hard shell like those which I have seen on the seashore.
They look like thickened water with a white edge, and four purple
circles, of different forms, were in the middle, over an incredible
number of fibres or white lines.
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