"Now you see what a person with talent and address can do."
"Excuse me, I see what a person of colossal ignorance and
simplicity can do. The idea of your going and intruding
on a party of strangers, that way, and talking for half
an hour; why I never heard of a man in his right mind
doing such a thing before. What did you say to them?"
I never said any harm. I merely asked the girl what her
name was."
"I don't doubt it. Upon my word I don't. I think you
were capable of it. It was stupid in me to let you go
over there and make such an exhibition of yourself.
But you know I couldn't really believe you would do such
an inexcusable thing. What will those people think
of us? But how did you say it? - I mean the manner of it.
I hope you were not abrupt."
"No, I was careful about that. I said, 'My friend and I
would like to know what your name is, if you don't mind.'"
"No, that was not abrupt. There is a polish about it that
does you infinite credit. And I am glad you put me in;
that was a delicate attention which I appreciate at its
full value. What did she do?"
"She didn't do anything in particular. She told me
her name."
"Simply told you her name. Do you mean to say she did
not show any surprise?"
"Well, now I come to think, she did show something;
maybe it was surprise; I hadn't thought of that - I took
it for gratification."
"Oh, undoubtedly you were right; it must have been gratification;
it could not be otherwise than gratifying to be assaulted
by a stranger with such a question as that. Then what did you
do?"
"I offered my hand and the party gave me a shake."
"I saw it! I did not believe my own eyes, at the time.
Did the gentleman say anything about cutting your throat?"
"No, they all seemed glad to see me, as far as I could judge."
"And do you know, I believe they were. I think they said
to themselves, 'Doubtless this curiosity has got away from
his keeper - let us amuse ourselves with him.' There is
no other way of accounting for their facile docility.
You sat down. Did they ASK you to sit down?"
"No, they did not ask me, but I suppose they did not think
of it."
"You have an unerring instinct. What else did you do?
What did you talk about?"
"Well, I asked the girl how old she was."
"UNdoubtedly. Your delicacy is beyond praise. Go on,
go on - don't mind my apparent misery - I always look
so when I am steeped in a profound and reverent joy.
Go on - she told you her age?"
"Yes, she told me her age, and all about her mother,
and her grandmother, and her other relations, and all
about herself."
"Did she volunteer these statistics?"
"No, not exactly that. I asked the questions and she
answered them."
"This is divine. Go on - it is not possible that you
forgot to inquire into her politics?"
"No, I thought of that. She is a democrat, her husband
is a republican, and both of them are Baptists."
"Her husband? Is that child married?"
"She is not a child. She is married, and that is her
husband who is there with her."
"Has she any children."
"Yes - seven and a half."
"That is impossible."
"No, she has them. She told me herself."
"Well, but seven and a HALF? How do you make out the half?
Where does the half come in?"
"There is a child which she had by another husband
- not this one but another one - so it is a stepchild,
and they do not count in full measure."
"Another husband? Has she another husband?"
"Yes, four. This one is number four."
"I don't believe a word of it. It is impossible,
upon its face. Is that boy there her brother?"
"No, that is her son. He is her youngest. He is not
as old as he looked; he is only eleven and a half."
"These things are all manifestly impossible. This is a
wretched business. It is a plain case: they simply took
your measure, and concluded to fill you up. They seem
to have succeeded. I am glad I am not in the mess;
they may at least be charitable enough to think there
ain't a pair of us. Are they going to stay here long?"
"No, they leave before noon."
"There is one man who is deeply grateful for that.
How did you find out? You asked, I suppose?"
"No, along at first I inquired into their plans, in a
general way, and they said they were going to be here
a week, and make trips round about; but toward the end
of the interview, when I said you and I would tour around
with them with pleasure, and offered to bring you over
and introduce you, they hesitated a little, and asked
if you were from the same establishment that I was.
I said you were, and then they said they had changed
their mind and considered it necessary to start at once
and visit a sick relative in Siberia."
"Ah, me, you struck the summit! You struck the loftiest
altitude of stupidity that human effort has ever reached.
You shall have a monument of jackasses' skulls as high
as the Strasburg spire if you die before I do.
They wanted to know I was from the same 'establishment'
that you hailed from, did they? What did they mean by
'establishment'?"
"I don't know; it never occurred to me to ask."
"Well _I_ know - they meant an asylum - an IDIOT asylum,
do you understand?
