The proper course to pursue is to
offer your name and address, and leave the owner, if he really has
anything to do with the matter, to summon you, and prove what damage you
have done to his land by sitting down on a bit of it. But the majority
of people are so intensely lazy and timid, that they prefer to encourage
the imposition by giving in to it rather than put an end to it by the
exertion of a little firmness.
Where it is really the owners that are to blame, they ought to be shown
up. The selfishness of the riparian proprietor grows with every year.
If these men had their way they would close the river Thames altogether.
They actually do this along the minor tributary streams and in the
backwaters. They drive posts into the bed of the stream, and draw chains
across from bank to bank, and nail huge notice-boards on every tree. The
sight of those notice-boards rouses every evil instinct in my nature. I
feel I want to tear each one down, and hammer it over the head of the man
who put it up, until I have killed him, and then I would bury him, and
put the board up over the grave as a tombstone.
I mentioned these feelings of mine to Harris, and he said he had them
worse than that. He said he not only felt he wanted to kill the man who
caused the board to be put up, but that he should like to slaughter the
whole of his family and all his friends and relations, and then burn down
his house. This seemed to me to be going too far, and I said so to
Harris; but he answered:
"Not a bit of it. Serve `em all jolly well right, and I'd go and sing
comic songs on the ruins."
I was vexed to hear Harris go on in this blood-thirsty strain. We never
ought to allow our instincts of justice to degenerate into mere
vindictiveness. It was a long while before I could get Harris to take a
more Christian view of the subject, but I succeeded at last, and he
promised me that he would spare the friends and relations at all events,
and would not sing comic songs on the ruins.
You have never heard Harris sing a comic song, or you would understand
the service I had rendered to mankind. It is one of Harris's fixed ideas
that he CAN sing a comic song; the fixed idea, on the contrary, among
those of Harris's friends who have heard him try, is that he CAN'T and
never will be able to, and that he ought not to be allowed to try.
When Harris is at a party, and is asked to sing, he replies: "Well, I can
only sing a COMIC song, you know;" and he says it in a tone that implies
that his singing of THAT, however, is a thing that you ought to hear
once, and then die.
"Oh, that IS nice," says the hostess. "Do sing one, Mr. Harris;" and
Harris gets up, and makes for the piano, with the beaming cheeriness of a
generous-minded man who is just about to give somebody something.
"Now, silence, please, everybody" says the hostess, turning round; "Mr.
Harris is going to sing a comic song!"
"Oh, how jolly!" they murmur; and they hurry in from the conservatory,
and come up from the stairs, and go and fetch each other from all over
the house, and crowd into the drawing-room, and sit round, all smirking
in anticipation.
Then Harris begins.
Well, you don't look for much of a voice in a comic song. You don't
expect correct phrasing or vocalization. You don't mind if a man does
find out, when in the middle of a note, that he is too high, and comes
down with a jerk. You don't bother about time. You don't mind a man
being two bars in front of the accompaniment, and easing up in the middle
of a line to argue it out with the pianist, and then starting the verse
afresh. But you do expect the words.
You don't expect a man to never remember more than the first three lines
of the first verse, and to keep on repeating these until it is time to
begin the chorus. You don't expect a man to break off in the middle of a
line, and snigger, and say, it's very funny, but he's blest if he can
think of the rest of it, and then try and make it up for himself, and,
afterwards, suddenly recollect it, when he has got to an entirely
different part of the song, and break off, without a word of warning, to
go back and let you have it then and there. You don't - well, I will
just give you an idea of Harris's comic singing, and then you can judge
of it for yourself.
HARRIS (STANDING UP IN FRONT OF PIANO AND ADDRESSING THE EXPECTANT MOB):
"I'm afraid it's a very old thing, you know. I expect you all know it,
you know. But it's the only thing I know. It's the Judge's song out of
PINAFORE - no, I don't mean PINAFORE - I mean - you know what I mean -
the other thing, you know. You must all join in the chorus, you know."
[Murmurs of delight and anxiety to join in the chorus. Brilliant
performance of prelude to the Judge's song in "Trial by Jury" by nervous
Pianist. Moment arrives for Harris to join in. Harris takes no notice
of it. Nervous pianist commences prelude over again, and Harris,
commencing singing at the same time, dashes off the first two lines of
the First Lord's song out of "Pinafore." Nervous pianist tries to push
on with prelude, gives it up, and tries to follow Harris with
accompaniment to Judge's song out "Trial by Jury," finds that doesn't
answer, and tries to recollect what he is doing, and where he is, feels
his mind giving way, and stops short.]
HARRIS (WITH KINDLY ENCOURAGEMENT): "It's all right.
