You are a young man out for a
holiday, and you want to enjoy yourself. Come and see the skulls!"
Then I turned and fled, and as I sped I heard him calling to me:
"Oh, come and see the skulls; come back and see the skulls!"
Harris, however, revels in tombs, and graves, and epitaphs, and
monumental inscriptions, and the thought of not seeing Mrs. Thomas's
grave made him crazy. He said he had looked forward to seeing Mrs.
Thomas's grave from the first moment that the trip was proposed - said he
wouldn't have joined if it hadn't been for the idea of seeing Mrs.
Thomas's tomb.
I reminded him of George, and how we had to get the boat up to Shepperton
by five o'clock to meet him, and then he went for George. Why was George
to fool about all day, and leave us to lug this lumbering old top-heavy
barge up and down the river by ourselves to meet him? Why couldn't
George come and do some work? Why couldn't he have got the day off, and
come down with us? Bank be blowed! What good was he at the bank?
"I never see him doing any work there," continued Harris, "whenever I go
in. He sits behind a bit of glass all day, trying to look as if he was
doing something. What's the good of a man behind a bit of glass? I have
to work for my living. Why can't he work. What use is he there, and
what's the good of their banks? They take your money, and then, when you
draw a cheque, they send it back smeared all over with `No effects,'
`Refer to drawer.' What's the good of that? That's the sort of trick
they served me twice last week. I'm not going to stand it much longer.
I shall withdraw my account. If he was here, we could go and see that
tomb. I don't believe he's at the bank at all. He's larking about
somewhere, that's what he's doing, leaving us to do all the work. I'm
going to get out, and have a drink."
I pointed out to him that we were miles away from a pub.; and then he
went on about the river, and what was the good of the river, and was
everyone who came on the river to die of thirst?
It is always best to let Harris have his head when he gets like this.
Then he pumps himself out, and is quiet afterwards.
I reminded him that there was concentrated lemonade in the hamper, and a
gallon-jar of water in the nose of the boat, and that the two only wanted
mixing to make a cool and refreshing beverage.
Then he flew off about lemonade, and "such-like Sunday-school slops," as
he termed them, ginger-beer, raspberry syrup, &c., &c. He said they all
produced dyspepsia, and ruined body and soul alike, and were the cause of
half the crime in England.
He said he must drink something, however, and climbed upon the seat, and
leant over to get the bottle. It was right at the bottom of the hamper,
and seemed difficult to find, and he had to lean over further and
further, and, in trying to steer at the same time, from a topsy-turvy
point of view, he pulled the wrong line, and sent the boat into the bank,
and the shock upset him, and he dived down right into the hamper, and
stood there on his head, holding on to the sides of the boat like grim
death, his legs sticking up into the air. He dared not move for fear of
going over, and had to stay there till I could get hold of his legs, and
haul him back, and that made him madder than ever.
CHAPTER VIII.
BLACKMAILING. - THE PROPER COURSE TO PURSUE. - SELFISH BOORISHNESS OF
RIVER-SIDE LANDOWNER. - "NOTICE" BOARDS. - UNCHRISTIANLIKE FEELINGS OF
HARRIS. - HOW HARRIS SINGS A COMIC SONG. - A HIGH-CLASS PARTY. - SHAMEFUL
CONDUCT OF TWO ABANDONED YOUNG MEN. - SOME USELESS INFORMATION. - GEORGE
BUYS A BANJO.
WE stopped under the willows by Kempton Park, and lunched. It is a
pretty little spot there: a pleasant grass plateau, running along by the
water's edge, and overhung by willows. We had just commenced the third
course - the bread and jam - when a gentleman in shirt-sleeves and a
short pipe came along, and wanted to know if we knew that we were
trespassing. We said we hadn't given the matter sufficient consideration
as yet to enable us to arrive at a definite conclusion on that point, but
that, if he assured us on his word as a gentleman that we WERE
trespassing, we would, without further hesitation, believe it.
He gave us the required assurance, and we thanked him, but he still hung
about, and seemed to be dissatisfied, so we asked him if there was
anything further that we could do for him; and Harris, who is of a chummy
disposition, offered him a bit of bread and jam.
I fancy he must have belonged to some society sworn to abstain from bread
and jam; for he declined it quite gruffly, as if he were vexed at being
tempted with it, and he added that it was his duty to turn us off.
Harris said that if it was a duty it ought to be done, and asked the man
what was his idea with regard to the best means for accomplishing it.
Harris is what you would call a well-made man of about number one size,
and looks hard and bony, and the man measured him up and down, and said
he would go and consult his master, and then come back and chuck us both
into the river.
Of course, we never saw him any more, and, of course, all he really
wanted was a shilling.
