Though the poet says, "'Tis the pre-eminence of Friendship to
impute excellence," yet we can never praise our Friend, nor
esteem him praiseworthy, nor let him think that he can please us
by any _behavior_, or ever _treat_ us well enough. That kindness
which has so good a reputation elsewhere can least of all consist
with this relation, and no such affront can be offered to a
Friend, as a conscious good-will, a friendliness which is not a
necessity of the Friend's nature.
The sexes are naturally most strongly attracted to one another,
by constant constitutional differences, and are most commonly and
surely the complements of each other. How natural and easy it is
for man to secure the attention of woman to what interests
himself. Men and women of equal culture, thrown together, are
sure to be of a certain value to one another, more than men to
men. There exists already a natural disinterestedness and
liberality in such society, and I think that any man will more
confidently carry his favorite books to read to some circle of
intelligent women, than to one of his own sex. The visit of man
to man is wont to be an interruption, but the sexes naturally
expect one another. Yet Friendship is no respecter of sex; and
perhaps it is more rare between the sexes than between two of the
same sex.
Friendship is, at any rate, a relation of perfect equality. It
cannot well spare any outward sign of equal obligation and
advantage. The nobleman can never have a Friend among his
retainers, nor the king among his subjects. Not that the parties
to it are in all respects equal, but they are equal in all that
respects or affects their Friendship. The one's love is exactly
balanced and represented by the other's. Persons are only the
vessels which contain the nectar, and the hydrostatic paradox is
the symbol of love's law. It finds its level and rises to its
fountain-head in all breasts, and its slenderest column balances
the ocean.
"And love as well the shepherd can
As can the mighty nobleman."
The one sex is not, in this respect, more tender than the other.
A hero's love is as delicate as a maiden's.
Confucius said, "Never contract Friendship with a man who is not
better than thyself." It is the merit and preservation of
Friendship, that it takes place on a level higher than the actual
characters of the parties would seem to warrant. The rays of
light come to us in such a curve that every man whom we meet
appears to be taller than he actually is. Such foundation has
civility. My Friend is that one whom I can associate with my
choicest thought. I always assign to him a nobler employment in
my absence than I ever find him engaged in; and I imagine that
the hours which he devotes to me were snatched from a higher
society. The sorest insult which I ever received from a Friend
was, when he behaved with the license which only long and cheap
acquaintance allows to one's faults, in my presence, without
shame, and still addressed me in friendly accents. Beware, lest
thy Friend learn at last to tolerate one frailty of thine, and so
an obstacle be raised to the progress of thy love. There are
times when we have had enough even of our Friends, when we begin
inevitably to profane one another, and must withdraw religiously
into solitude and silence, the better to prepare ourselves for a
loftier intimacy. Silence is the ambrosial night in the
intercourse of Friends, in which their sincerity is recruited and
takes deeper root.
Friendship is never established as an understood relation. Do
you demand that I be less your Friend that you may know it? Yet
what right have I to think that another cherishes so rare a
sentiment for me? It is a miracle which requires constant
proofs. It is an exercise of the purest imagination and the
rarest faith. It says by a silent but eloquent behavior, - "I
will be so related to thee as thou canst imagine; even so thou
mayest believe. I will spend truth, - all my wealth on
thee," - and the Friend responds silently through his nature and
life, and treats his Friend with the same divine courtesy. He
knows us literally through thick and thin. He never asks for a
sign of love, but can distinguish it by the features which it
naturally wears. We never need to stand upon ceremony with him
with regard to his visits. Wait not till I invite thee, but
observe that I am glad to see thee when thou comest. It would be
paying too dear for thy visit to ask for it. Where my Friend
lives there are all riches and every attraction, and no slight
obstacle can keep me from him. Let me never have to tell thee
what I have not to tell. Let our intercourse be wholly above
ourselves, and draw us up to it.
The language of Friendship is not words, but meanings. It is an
intelligence above language. One imagines endless conversations
with his Friend, in which the tongue shall be loosed, and
thoughts be spoken without hesitancy or end; but the experience
is commonly far otherwise. Acquaintances may come and go, and
have a word ready for every occasion; but what puny word shall he
utter whose very breath is thought and meaning? Suppose you go
to bid farewell to your Friend who is setting out on a journey;
what other outward sign do you know than to shake his hand? Have
you any palaver ready for him then? any box of salve to commit to
his pocket? any particular message to send by him? any
statement which you had forgotten to make? - as if you could
forget anything. - No, it is much that you take his hand and say
Farewell; that you could easily omit; so far custom has
prevailed.
