The ship in which I was to have sailed to the west
was suddenly countermanded to the east. She was to leave for
China the following week, and I was already appointed to her,
not even as a 'super.'
My courage and my ambition were wrecked at a blow. The
notion of returning for another three years to China, where
all was now peaceful and stale to me, the excitement of the
war at an end, every port reminding me of my old comrades,
visions of renewed fevers and horrible food, - were more than
I could stand.
I instantly made up my mind to leave the Navy. It was a
wilful, and perhaps a too hasty, impulse. But I am impulsive
by nature; and now that my father was dead, I fancied myself
to a certain extent my own master. I knew moreover, by my
father's will, that I should not be dependent upon a
profession. Knowledge of such a fact has been the ruin of
many a better man than I. I have no virtuous superstitions
in favour of poverty - quite the reverse - but I am convinced
that the rich man, who has never had to earn his position or
his living, is more to be pitied and less respected than the
poor man whose comforts certainly, if not his bread, have
depended on his own exertions.
My mother had a strong will of her own, and I could not guess
what line she might take.
